I'd like to preface this by saying the crisis is over and it's not going to happen.
Recently for the first time since the one time in July, I held a bottle of painkillers in my hand and considered swallowing the contents. One of the reasons was the same as it was in the summer but there were many more reasons including that I am taking an increased dosage of a new medication which can cause suicidal ideation and that I am at risk because two of my three siblings died from 'accidental' overdose. The emotional reasons are unnecessary for me to go into here in detail but someone will be finding their own place in the summer or sooner and couldn't be happier. Thank God for friends who recognize a cry for help, even one in voiceless grief.
The loss of my sweet baby brother Donny less than a week after his 41st birthday this year, and my only sister at 35, two years ago and my godmother and my mother, most painful of all, has left a deep hole of grief inside me. I struggled with medication to at least allow me to function but it made me robotic and completely blocked my creativity. It did not however address that I have been desperate to be loved for too long by people who should have been out of my life a long time ago.
I have tried four different meds and for one medical reason or another others are unavailable to me, but that doesn't mean I won't stop searching. Much of my therapy is in writing, so there will have to be a trial-and-error happy medium so I don't lose my mojo. I have a book to finish and it will be published. NOT might, but will.
I didn't realize it then, but I do now that a lot of my feelings of being rejected and unloved were valid but not because of me. I am indeed most lovable. It was because of people who were incapable of seeing or appreciating who I am, what I have to offer and also were battling their own demons. It wasn't until a talk with a stranger today that I was able to let go of all of it and put down that bottle, not the one in my hand, but the one in my mind whispering that it would be oh so easy to check-out.
The best most exciting part of my life is ahead of me. I've decided it's worth living for, so no more flirting with self-harm. I'm worth a wonderful life so to death, I'm taking a pass.