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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Winging It

Now that it's warm, my front door is wide open and the full screen storm door is allowing me a beautiful view. Last night as my best friend, who I'd spent the day with, and I were walking out, we were doing our little Wilma and Betty giggles, going over the day's events and making plans to travel together (destination unknown) and stood by the big red sugar maple growing in an outsized box built into my porch. She noted that we had a family of cardinals there and they watched us as we stood at a respectful distance but they fluttered around anyway probably wondering what the stoopid hoomins were doing awake yet at 2AM.

After dinner at a restaurant I'd been dying to try, and as a treat and pick me up, I surprised her with a Skype psychic reading from one of my other besties earlier and we laughed like hyenas at the things my intuitive friend was saying, some of which was at my expense about my ego blah blah but mostly what C had to work on and look forward to.  C was getting more and more excited and astounded and I took notes and tried to keep my mouth shut. A couldn't see me but she told C she knew I was probably biting my hand to not say anything and indeed I was. A told C that the guy who would fall for her wouldn't give me a second glance and that relieved C and they both joked that I couldn't have everyone. I told them the joke was on them because I wanted C's happiness more than my own and was actually content regarding my own romantic horizon. in due time. All in due time.

If we could all know the future, would we dare want to?

I pose this question because A has been saying for oh maybe a year that huge huge things are going to be happening in my life --beyond my wildest dreams and deepest desires of my heart. At one point I thought I lost that, that the timing was off or she was mistaken and both of us disappointed and disillusioned, actually lost touch for some time. Only recently we've reunited and I told her it was like losing a limb and she said she never stopped loving me, that I was her spiritual sister and we are both so relieved to be back together it's like giant weights have been lifted off our shoulders. 

One thing that particularly touched me was that everything she saw in my future has not changed. It's all solid, and she was sad because she thought she would not be a part of it. I told her she underestimated my gratitude. In spite of our differences, I would have hunted her down and celebrated with her. I know myself. I am completely incapable of holding a grudge. That may be both my greatest strength and flaw. It most certainly is my biggest vulnerability after my wide open heart.

When we were apart, I did question the authenticity of her gifts. But something strange began to happen. People would appear and events would occur in my life and subsequent changes to my maturity and spiritual growth did occur, perhaps not exactly as she had said but in such a way that it was not vague but unmistakably had her thumbprint all over it.

When we talk, every now and then she gets little bursts of intuition about me and has shared them for free, even though it's part of her livelihood to do readings and she needs to pay bills like the rest of us, but I have told her repeatedly that she never has to do that with me. She is not a psychic who became a friend but a friend who is a psychic and there's a huge distinction. If she never told me another personal insight again, she would still be my friend, She too is also, like C and L and Cat and K, all sisters given to me after I lost my own. That alone is a gift.

Last night (well, night for me, afternoon for her) as we were saying our goodbye's on Yahoo, I told her jokingly that I was proud that I used remarkable restraint in not horning in on C's reading (she wanted me present because she was nervous) and deserved a cookie. She reminded me that I could ask her at any time always and we said hugs and talk to you later and logged-off.

The funny thing is now I have arrived at a point in my life, (and she had said a long time ago that I would reach it) that I don't need to know and she's right. I have a lot of stuff to do this coming summer, fall and winter. A lot of rebuilding but also preparing for something I came very close to losing because I was looking in another direction and had let myself be distracted. I'm not going to be asking any questions about that part because part of the journey is the learning, the surprise. I love surprises, (well the good ones anyway)  and there are far too few of them in my life.

So now I sit near the open door and the cardinals are playing in the short red tree not ten feet from my couch and they're singing for me and Wonton. Wonton actually is licking her lips but she does too like to listen. They know she's there and they put on a show and dance, flit and flirt with her near the door. She rolls over on her back and yawns and pretends to be bored but the lashing of her tail betrays her.

I too am excited but I am in no hurry either. The best things in life are worth waiting for and while I'm getting my act together, preparing for the next stage and know by my effusiveness, everyone has tickets to the front row, the show must and will go on. Critics may be a bitch but I'll be living it and not judging from a cold bitter corner, and regardless of what they say, I know I am a fucking star.

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