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Saturday, April 30, 2011

What Are Your Best Qualifications for the Position?

"If you're doing something else I can let you go....."
''m know when we're here on Yahoo chatting and that little notification comes up that you've got mail, well, not 'you've got mail' cos that's AOL but"
"Yeah, Lainey, I get it...your point?'
"Oh...panties in a twist today? Fine. You know how I get all these declarations of love and promises of devotion and fantasies of pure delicious filth on FB and that forum I talk about from people I don't know, how some are quite entertaining?'
"Yeah, you've posted a few gems as your FB status. In case you haven't noticed everyone in my family and most of Lubbock has friend requested you because they find me rolling on the floor in tears and want to be in on it."
"Ahhh...I was wondering how Bradley and I became friends....and then there are spin-offs where your friends friend my friends and my friends friend your friends and those friends friend those friends."
"Lainey, there's a shampoo commercial in there, I know but ffs, focus, please."
"Sorry, anyway.....I'm hungry. Hold on, please."
"You pull this shit all the time. Damn, might as well potty break myself, brb."
"Me too. So anyway, there was a new one today from someone who isn't even a friend and the email was in Arabic but it included a pic."
"Oh Christ. Am I going to regret asking 'of what'?"
"A pic of me."
"So? Remember that stalker you had that did collages of you and him and photoshopped hearts and did morphs of your future babies together...he was from Zyzaroplokikistan or something wasn't he? He was harmless....."
"A pic of me with what I thought was soft focus and there was an indecipherable caption underneath so I put it through Google Translate."
"What did it say?"
"I splooged all over your pic and my keyboard, sorry you are my angle. Can we be friends."
"THAT gets you but the splooging part doesn't?"
"Was there a glitch in Google Translate? Angle, huh?"
"Well, much as I like to hear about your gazillion conquests here and internationally, why don't you just change your security settings so you don't get unwanted messages anymore?"
"Because people who I *do* want to contact me that I've lost touch with wouldn't be able to contact me then."
"True, rabbit, true. You also have four thousand fucking friends. I think everyone you know has found you, Lainey."

"Oooooh, Racketeer Rabbit....oldie but a goodie. Oh and he sent me a pic of his junk."
"Wait...WHAT? Why do YOU get all the good pics. Was it a good one?"
" It was respectable.  I miss the good old days when people just sent greeting cards, valentines, roses, chocolate..mmm chocolate."
"Maybe in his country it was a culturally acceptable form of interest."

"I asked him if he'd show his mother or sister that pic."
"What'd he say?"
"I don't think he's figured out Google Translate. I *do* think that might work in my favor. Meanwhile, I'm blocking him."
"Send me the pic of his pecker?"
"What's wrong?"
"I got a love letter, a poem no less, in French from a lesbian German porn star. It rhymes in English."
"Wow. All hail Google Translate."
"No, I asked the guy I liked if he knew any French and he figured it out for me."
"Which one? Not...?"
"NO. And anyway, he's pissed off at me, now."
"Oh God. What now?"
"Well, this other woman he was crushing on, friend requested him and he was thrilled and then she friend requested me and he mentioned it to me and I said, relax that's just a coincidence but turns out it isn't."
"Why? Is she trying to keep tabs on you or something, like you're competition?'
"No. Evidently she used him to get to me. She likes me likes me."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. He thought you were cockblocking but he's vagblocking. Oh God."
"Maybe I should figure out and post an application form on 'gettin' wit me' to cut out the riff-raff."
"I could only imagine the interview process."
"Yeah. What are your expectations for the job? What did you like best about your last position? What have you been doing since you resigned? Work history: What were your starting and final levels of compensation? What did you like best and least about your last boss....hey this could work."
"Don't get carried away Miss Ego. Remember, there is no "I" in 'team'"
"No, but there is a 'M' and an 'E'.

"You're fired."

1 comment:

  1. Google Translate is not your friend. It does, however, provide hours of entertainment. Going to translate Zyzaroplokikistan right now:) Tx for this.